Monday, October 11, 2010

as i walk away


I tried so desperately to let go of you. To kick you out of my heart, my mind, my dreams. I tried my hardest for you. I tried my hardest for me. And I succeeded...for awhile. I ignored the tug at my heart every time I saw you hug her instead of me. I ignored the jealousy that would start to flair up when you laughed with some other girl,or when you tickled her. I was so used to being the one you would always have your hands on, so used to it being between us... absentmindedly touching each others arms, playing with bracelets, rubbing your back, you tickling me tortuously. And you not... was weird and different and new. I didn't like it. So I became numb to it, I didn't let it affect me at least not to where anyone can see and eventually it became habit. I fully convinced myself I was over you, I didn't need you like that, I stopped wanting you that way. So I allowed myself to flirt with you more because it was just so much easier that way, I let some of my caution go and you put up a wall. Suddenly I wasn't allowed to see the beautiful complex garden that was your heart, I lost the key and it killed me. I asked why you resented me being near you you said you didn't I was just to close you didn't want her hearing anything, I told you over and over again it didn't mean anything and I meant it.

But that was then, now I'm not so sure. Because now I'm having these weird aches for you to tickle me again or play with my back or not let you go when you hug me (which is so rare in comparison to how many times you used to hug me) its not like you aren't still a huge part of my life, I mean you are and will be for a long time my best friend. But I think there will always be a part of me that will love you that way, that will subconsciously long for an us, that will be jealous when you have a girlfriend, that will want you to hold me close and kiss me. And I know that to keep our friendship I'm going to have to give that up, or at least bury it down in the deepest darkest corners of my heart.

Ours is a good story, the kind that they make movies about. The love, anger, tears, attraction, long late night conversations, the pain, the friendship; and the best part is we didn't even date. We went to school together since 6th grade but never really talked, friendship circles and stuff like that. But I had a massive crush on you. Last year though by some really really perfect act of God we became the best of friends. And we fell for each other, I especially fell hard and fast. You were so perfectly imperfect, but you had a bad relationship fall apart even worse the year before so we talked about dating but never really tried it out. You were so cautious with your heart, I look back on it now and marvel at some of the things you allowed me to see making me ever more grateful of the chance and the trust to see them. I was reckless with my own, I pushed for it, over and over again and each time falling painfully. You broke my falls sometimes, soothing me, talking sense into me, explaining the reasons I already knew, reassuring me. Loving on me. And I tried so hard to give you as much as my emotional self as I could but you would never let me, you would always gently reject it, making taking it back so much harder. I wonder now if you were trying to protect me from pain you had already experienced. A pain that I was willing to go through if only you would be mine. There are things you told me that would elate me, and, to this day are still etched almost perfectly into my memory. And what a memory i have, you are my favorite sweetest most painful memory to this day. Eventually all that struggling wore us both out, things happened and we both needed a chance to breathe, to untangle from this complex life. So we awkwardly continued a friendship as the summer lazily drifted by, not surprisingly that didn't last long. The first time i saw you over the summer i got hit with that feeling so hard that it damn near knocked me breathless, watching you, so happy, so glowingly lovely made me fall yet again. And I think you reconsidered too. So one day totally jokingly i said we should go out and you told me how much that had scared you, we both laughed about it and i filed it away mentally. You always loved to play tricks on me and would scare me so bad i was close to tears, and one day after a particularly frightful one i decided to get revenge. "Seriously babe, lets go out." were the words on a very fateful text, you didn't believe me for a long time, and the more i fake convinced you. the more i honestly convinced myself. How quickly I realized i was quite serious about it. The timing was so terrible i was leaving for Florida that week, we danced around the idea, the solid idea of us. something that had always been avoided before. Sometime during this period of indecision we went to the movies, it was a great night, you put your arm around me, we held hands and i felt so wonderfully safe in your arms, it just felt right. Eventually we made up our minds, well mostly you, but your logic was so painfully true, you were right we would've been to serious. But sometimes i wonder about the better as friends, because until very very recently that wasn't working out too well either.

As of today i cant and therefore wont like you. I'm promising this to us both. Neither of us can afford the emotional turmoil it puts us through nor do we want it. As i walk away though just know this. You will always be my first love. Darling, whatever happens in the future, whether a repeat of that painfully beautiful past or something as equally beautiful and new, you will be forever engraved in my heart. It was yours first. Our story may have happened to others, but sweetheart, believe me it was one of a kind. Hand painted by two people who were scared, and nervous, and utterly not ready for the roller coaster it was.