Thursday, October 14, 2010

maybe one day


When he texts me saying he really wants to see me, I light up inside. But moments are always fleeting. I just imagine him saying it to me because who he really wants to see doesn’t want to see him. She put him on the backburner and doesn’t need him right now. He needs me right now, because he can’t have her. I am a distraction. I make him feel warm inside, I soothe his pain, and when he’s around me he isn’t haunted and consumed by thoughts of her. I can briefly take away his pain, but moments are always fleeting. He can hurt me. Once he’s over her, he won’t need me. I’m dispensable and he’s broken. And this is the way our unfair world works.

He needs me.

I want him.

Everyone wants to be needed.

Everything he tells me: every thought, every dream, every feeling has already been told. The things he told her, she must have known everything about him. He knew her like the back of his hand. He loved her. He loves her. He needs me. Temporarily. I think of him, and can only think of her. I’m not her. Does he want me to be? Am I like her? Does he wish I were like her? Will he ever stop loving her?

I don’t know if I want him if I can’t have all of him. I know that’s a lie, of course I want him. I just don’t want to want him. When he looks away and is distant, is he thinking of her? I can’t see us together. Thinking of him, hearing his name, brings butterflies to my stomach, but it’s not right. I can’t see us together. It’s as if the world was supposed to have him and her together. Like it was right. It is right. It’s just not the right time.

We connect though. We have chemistry we’re comfortable in each other. We have become all too comfortably numb.

What happens when she wants him back?

But I already know the answer to that.

Maybe one day he’ll love me. Maybe one day he won’t want her; won’t want me to be her. Maybe one day he’ll think I’m truly beautiful and look at me the way I look at him every time I see him. But then again, maybe one day I’ll get over him. Maybe one day I can look at him and say, “You’re so not worth this” and actually believe it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to think about someone else.