Friday, October 8, 2010

you are mine


I met you. It was a strange sort of way too. I had been working at a supermarket for the summer and it closed down, but the employees were moved to a new store just across the road. For me, it wasn't a life long kind of job, just a typical summer gig, so i almost half considered not even taking up the offer. But i did. It's situations like these that make you recognize fate's existence. I noticed you before any other boy. You were one of the first ones to reach out to me as the new girl. You had the funniest personality i had ever encountered and i looked forward to working those late night midnight shifts with you that we hardly ever got together, but i loved them as long as you kept me company. Your smile was perfect and you had the prettiest green eyes i had ever seen. You were perfect. And while we grew close as friends, you had such a huge wall built up it was near impossible to break it down. And after hearing from so many people that were close to you that you weren't exactly the "relationship kind of guy", i gave up.

I hurt you. I kept you strapped in and stuck on my emotional roller coaster from heartbreak hell. And i hated myself for it. It turned out that you liked me, but you were too late. I had already started something with my ex, so we stayed friends. When my ex and I fell apart, you listened to me cry for hours on the phone and all the horrible stories of my pathetic attempts at trying to understand what went wrong with my past relationship. You were there for me always, and it killed you, i know it did even though you never said a word about it then. You just stood by and tried to pick up the pieces with me. We continued where we left off and i came home for the holidays. It seemed like everything was going good, but my heart still belonged to someone else and as much as i wanted to give it to you, i just couldn't. I was so broken and it just wasn't fair to you. I held onto you because i didn't want to lose you. I had feelings for you, i just wasn't ready to give you all of me, and you were ready to give me all of you. You showed up at my apartment at school, three hours away, on Valentines Day like some perfect movie boy because after all, this stuff only happens in movies, right? Your type of guy isn't real, and certainly wasn't what i was used to. And in that moment, i knew i couldn't hurt you anymore. I had to let you go, for your own happiness.

I missed you. In between the months that we didn't talk, i met other guys, and even though they may have filled the empty void in my bed for the night, they didn't fill what i knew was missing. No one else was like you. No one made me laugh like you did, no one could get as close to me as you did, no one had a smile as pretty as yours, or a heart as big as yours. Nothing came close. I missed you- so, so much. I'd see other girls write on your wall on facebook and i'd wonder if you still cared about me or if you were moving on- if you had found someone else. I knew that letting you go was the right thing to do, but it hurt so bad. I knew keeping you around until i was ready would have been so unfair, but i wanted you, one day. So the summer i came home from school, i started talking to you again, like nothing happened hoping that something would. We hung out again and you let me back into your life. I texted you one night and brought up how i thought i still had feelings for you and you dismissed it, saying you thought we'd be better off just staying friends. That hurt so bad and it scared me, but still, i hurt you, so i had to respect that. We kept it simple in between and did our own thing, until we hung out that night. Twenty-one years old and we both sat on a bench in a playground, just talking about everything. And that's when you gave in and we both agreed to be together but not really together, and just see how things went. I finally felt like i had you back, even if it was for a little.

I loved you. It was different this time around. We spent every single day together and i never got sick of you, i only wanted more. We went out, we took little roadtrips, we held hands, we stayed in, we fought, we kissed, we forgave, we stayed up late, we talked, we cried, we laughed, we yelled, we met new people, and everything in between. And in that time, i fell in love with you. I fell so crazy, ridiculously in love with you. That's when i knew, i couldn't let you go again. I had to keep you.

I have you. Not always, not as much as i want to, but you're mine. I'm three hours away from you at school, and you're three hours away from me back home, and the distance keeps us apart but there's not a second during the day that slips by without you being on my mind. And even now, as i sit on my bed, in a t shirt that still smells like you from our hug goodbye this morning, typing this story, when i should be doing my homework- i'm thinking of you. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. You showed me something new and something beautiful. I never thought i would ever feel this way about someone again, i figured i'd just always settle. But you proved everything i've ever thought, wrong. I miss you so much when you aren't with me, but i live for the weekends that i know i'll get to see you. I hate seeing other couples on campus, holding hands and doing everything that they probably take for granted together, but i'd rather go crazy over distance with you than have it easy with anyone else. I hate myself for our past and what i put you through, but i don't think i'd love you as much if we didn't go through what we did. You really are my best friend, above all, and i fall more in love with you every time i pick up the phone and you're on the other end, or when you pop up in my little skype box, and most of all when you get out of your car and i stop missing you because you're finally right in front of me. I'm not going anywhere and i'll never let you go again. Distance is hard, but we've been through worse. I hope this is it, because i honestly can't ever see myself finding someone better for me. You are mine.

- K.