Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I don’t know what to do

fernanda giannella

I not a jealous person. I’m really not. But when I see people in love, a hint of jealousy does flow through my body. I want it too! I can't even watch a romantic movie with getting irritated anymore.

I’ve been in one serious relationship in my life and I ended it. He loved me dearly but I didn’t feel the same way. The entire relationship was based on him loving me and me trying to love him. Yet I wouldn’t say it was a bad relationship. We we’re great friends and had fun together. I do look back at the time with him and smile, knowing that we share some sweet memories. The rest of my love life though has been one sad story so far.

I really don’t want to sound negative, but I just can’t help it. I must be doing something wrong. Very wrong. I think that I’m nice person. I treat other people well. I’m sweet and even funny occasionally. But nobody seems to be taking the bait. I’ve been played and made a fool of so many times that when someone shows me some interest I’m afraid it’s a joke. That he’s not being serious. That the minute I turn around he’s going to start laughing because he made a bet with his friends. Because, really, why would anyone seriously want to come up to me?

I have good days and I have bad days. I have days where I feel good about myself. But those days often requires for someone to say something nice to me. Anything from “I like your outfit today” to “you handled that situation really well” will do. And honestly, how sad is that? That I rely on other people to feel good. I know that I should be the one making myself happy, not someone else, but I just can’t seem to get there. My feeling of self is not very good.

For years now, I’ve wanted a boyfriend. Years I’ll tell you. And I feel pathetic. For wanting it and for not having it.

I made one big mistake through my teen years. I’ve given the most precious thing I have away too easily too many times. Me, my body, my soul. I know now, too late in life, that a girl should never sleep with someone who does not deserve it. Am I making any sense? I feel like giving yourself to someone in that way is a big deal. A guy should work for it. Earn it. Don’t ever just give it away. I’ve had sex with guys that I really cared about and I wasn’t sure about how they felt about me. I’ve had sex with boys I didn’t know at all. I’ve had sex with boys I knew liked me but I did not like them. What ever the situation, I now know myself well enough to realize that this is not the way to go for me. At the age of 20, I made a vow to myself. I’m not going to sleep with anyone before I’m completely sure that he really cares about me.

This turned out to be quite easy at first. First off all, there wasn’t that many temptations and the few ones there were, I managed to resist. About six months in, I made the decision to travel abroad. I’m right now living in America working as a nanny. I’ve been here for 10 months. So you do the math. I’ve gone without sex, without intimacy, without anything for a really long time and I miss it. I need it.

I live in a suburb, I hardly ever go out, I work with kids. My chances of meeting guys are not very high so keeping my promise to myself hasn’t been too hard. But. And there’s always a but, isn’t there? I went on a trip with my friend and I met a guy. We just clicked. You know that feeling, right? I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way before, not that strongly anyway. Sparks flew and felt like a million feelings at once.

We stayed up all night and we talk about everything and nothing and the whole time I’m thinking that he is the most adorable thing I’ve ever talked to. We talk for hours and I just want him to kiss me. When he finally does, I’m in heaven. But I’m also nervous. I haven’t been this close to anyone for so long. Do I even remember how this works? We get really close, really into it and I must admit I’m really tempted. I mean, seriously, I’m never going to see this man again. He is leaving town in a couple of hours. What’s the harm in a little fun? But I decide to stop what we are doing and tell him how I feel. That I don’t wish to be that girl. I don’t want to sleep with anyone, just for the fun of it. He is very respectful and sweet. He tells me that he really likes me and he wants to see me again. So we kiss and snuggle until he has to leave. And that’s really all I want. I just want someone to hold me.

Now here’s the problem. I live on the east coast, he lives on the west coast. So we can’t just see each other. I work basically everyday and he’s in school. And on top of that, I have to leave the country in three months because my visa will expire. It has now been a month since we met but we still talk everyday. When I finish working in two months I plan to go to California and see him. I can’t think about anything else than him.

But then again, what’s the point? I’ll have to go home no matter what. And I still have this voice in my head telling me that, maybe he’s just playing with you. Maybe he doesn’t really care as much as he says he does. Maybe he’s with other girl. All of those nasty thoughts that pop up out of nowhere. Because I don’t believe anyone wants to be with me.

I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid of going out there. What if we’re great together and he makes me feel like I never want to go back home? What do I do then? I can’t stay. How will I ever say goodbye? How will we ever make a relationship work when I’m on the other side of the world? And there’s another thing. He has a 2 year old daughter. Is that something I want to get involved with?

And then there’s the other side of things. What if I go out there and he’s not really that into me anymore? What if he never was? I don’t want to stand there, looking like a fool.