Sunday, March 13, 2011

maybe everything that happens to us has a purpose.


when i met M, i got this feeling of inevitability. something was going to happen, i could feel it. this is, by the way, an incredibly optimistic outlook for someone like me. i'd been alone for so long i was sure that romance just wasn't on the cards for me.

my life at the time was really hectic. i was doing my finals at college, holding down a part time job as a writer at an advertising agency, playing in a band, and hosting a radio show on the weekends. i was single and fiercely independent. when M joined the agency as a designer, we didn't talk much, and one of my friends took a shine to him, so i just got on with my life and let them get on with theirs. a new boss joined the agency too, and began talking to me a lot. he was married and had a child, and i thought he was just being friendly. then he started texting me during non-working hours, and i became nervous. he bought me a brand new phone, and started telling me how much i reminded him of his ex - his last serious relationship before he married his wife. apparently we even share the same birthday. i played dumb to his thinly veiled advances, and wished that it wasn't just 40 year old married men that were attracted to me.

unable to shake him off (he was my boss, after all), i felt guilty and stressed out the whole time. i drank too much as a result at the office christmas party, and at one point i stupidly dropped the drink i was holding. luckily the glass didn't break, and M swooped in, picked it up and took it away. stunned, i thanked him, and we started talking. the whole night turned right around. we had so much in common, and the connection between us was vibrant. the next day we went on our first date.

suddenly college was over and i had left my band (too much drama!), so the only things happening in my life were my jobs and M. we saw each other every day because we worked together, and my (our) boss started to notice. he grew jealous and agitated, and yelled at us frequently in front of others, but i didn't care. i was so happy with M that i didn't mind if my boss dropped a grand piano on my head.

in the end, though, it was M that dropped the grand piano. he had been acting strangely after only a month of being together, and we spoke about it one evening. for the first time he opened up about his ex and how badly it had ended with her. he told me that when he met me he thought he was over her, but lately she had been creeping back into his thoughts. i didn't want to overreact, even though i thought my head was going to explode. i told him to give it some time, and that we should slow everything down. we would hang out with friends instead of being alone together. a month later, things were worse. they had actually been discussing getting back together. it was no longer just thoughts of her - he was clearly still in love with her. i bailed immediately. it was painful, and i felt like i was wasting away. seeing him at work was difficult, and the smell of him in particular drove me crazy. it took me back to lying in his arms, with his soft voice so close to my ear.

the ache of being apart was excruciating, but i knew the situation no longer really involved me. this was between M and his ex, and if they were meant to be together i didn't want to get in the way of that. i was just a gap-filler for the holidays.

we're still friends, and we still swap music, books and tv shows, but i can't go out with our friends - or anyone for that matter - at the moment because it still stings. i had never met anyone like him before, and the levels we connected on were numerous. it was hard for me to accept that he threw it away for an old relationship that he'd always described as a 'disaster'.

i'm still not sure what to make of it all. do i just go about my day like nothing ever happened? probably. it makes the whole thing seem rather pointless, though it definitely helped me get out of that awkward situation with my boss. maybe everything that happens to us has a purpose. or maybe nothing does. maybe it's all just a succession of random events. all i know is, three months ago, something inside me was shaken awake for the first time, and now it's going back to sleep.