Monday, July 11, 2011

what do I do now?


I love love love your blog and love looking and reading all the little details, especially the comments underneath, it is such a great way to know your not alone sometimes and that everyone goes through these tricky situations. My current situation is a very long story, and a rather complicated one too. I feel I am so out of control and stuck and like everything has gone not the way I planned, and I have no idea what to do. What is real love? Why does the heart trick me? This is my story ....

When I was a 14 I fell for a boy older than me ( he was 18), we hung out for a few months one summer before his friends started to give him stick for us hanging out. Nothing sexual ever happened between us, although I was sure he was the one. He told me one day that nothing could happen between us because of our age and, what I see as selfless, he said I should go on and live my life and that maybe one day in the future when timing was better and age was not a problem we could be together. I was heart broken, that was that, done, gone, he stopped replying to my texts and calls. I was gutted and it took me sleepless nights of tears to get over him.

My darling lovely boyfriend, we met at school when I was 16, and it was fairy tale love from the start. Nothing kept us apart, it really was the best relationship. Honesty, friendship, communication, love. My first. It was amazing. He made me so happy, he adored me. It was perfect. Then we grew up, as childhood sweethearts, and now in my 20's I have the natural nagging feeling I get when he annoys me, or takes me for granted. After 6 years its not the same as it was. Same old story, my heart wanting to let go, his heart not letting me go. I feel trapped. But he is so sweet to me, he is so good to, too good that it makes it hard to want to end it, even though I feel trapped and wanting to fly my wings on my own without his loving restriction.

And then out of nowhere 'he' is back in my life, my friend from all those years ago, suddenly the chemistry is back, its so good, those butterflies which i hadn't experienced in years were back, with more force than ever. It was thrilling. But i made a mistake, a terrible mistake, not knowing what my head and my heart want I broke the relationship trust, I made an error in action, but not once, but twice, on two different occasions. And now i've become 'that' person. The person everyone in a relationship hates, the person we all think of in disgust, because I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment with an old flame during a rocky patch in my relationship.

What do I do now? Do i cut him out my life, my first real love who I never got to have anything with because of bad timing and age difference. He says he's sorry for putting me in this position, and that he'll respect whatever I decide. He hasn't put any pressure on me to break up with my boyfriend.

My darling on the other hand, had no idea, he knows that i've been a bit of a mess with deciding what i want in life, but he has stood by me waiting for me to come back and be his sweetheart. On some occasions I am on his sweetheart, not how we used to be, but we have an amazing history together which I never want to give up, or destroy or harm in anyway ... but i suppose I have already broken it haven't I ?

What do I do? i'm so split, one part of me says cut out the old flame and don't ruin what I have, and what could be amazing for a bit longer OR break off what clearly hasn't worked for along time, and take things slow with this old flame and see what happens. I don't feel like i deserve the love of my boyfriend, but i don't know if i can handle dealing with his broken heart on top of mine, it might kill me, i will be a mess.

Do i come clean about my mistakes ? Or carry on as normal ?

I've been so lost and confused for so long now, i am moving abroad for a year in a few months to get some head space, drastic I know, but that's what it has come down to. I just don't know if i can wait till then to decide what to do ...

a lost little soul x