Saturday, August 6, 2011

i thought you were perfect.


It was a Wednesday night the first time we kissed. The nightclub was buzzing with people and music and I could taste the alcohol between our mouths. Warmth flowed through me as your soft lips pressed onto mine. I remembered your kiss still lingered on my lips as I left the club, and I could smell your sweet perfume all over my face. I never expected to hear from you again, but I did.

Two months later you asked me to be your girlfriend. No words could describe how happy I was right at that moment, I had been waiting for weeks for you to finally be mine.

I even remembered the first time you said you loved me. We were at a festival, the sun had gone down and I began to feel the chill of the night so we ran into a tent. The tent was filled with people entranced by the music as it blared through the speakers, it was so loud you could feel each beat vibrating through your body. You were so happy. Your fingers would intertwine into mine. Your hand would fall perfectly on my back as you would pull me closer for a kiss. I could smell your sweat laced with your deodorant wafting from your white singlet. “I love you” you yelled through the thumping of the music. I was so happy.

As each day passed, I fell more in love with you. I loved you so effortlessly.

We did everything together. Our lives meshed together perfectly.

Sundays would be my favourite day, we would wake up late, stay in bed, watch movies all day, and then grab take out for dinner. Even though we did absolutely nothing, Sundays were my favourite because I got to do absolutely nothing with you.

You were the first person that I felt knew me better than I knew myself.

I remembered the night I found out I was pregnant. As the two lines formed on the pregnancy test tears welled up in my eyes and I collapsed to the floor. We were only 19. How could we possibly look after a child? I called you and told you I had to see you. I picked you up in my beaten up car, and as soon as you asked me what was wrong I bursted into tears. You handled it so well. I could tell you weren’t scared at all, not like me. When I decided that I couldn’t keep it, I saw for only a second, a flash of sadness in your eyes. It killed me. I would have loved for you to be that father of my child, to start a family and a future with you, but at this age, I just wasn’t ready, and neither were you. You were there for me the whole time, you were so strong.

I thought you were perfect. But I was wrong.

I was staring out of my window into the hauntingly dark night when I got the call. At first I couldn’t believe it, I refused to believe it. There was no way it could be possibly true. There was no way this one little sentence could tear down my whole life, and shatter my entire heart. I couldn’t breathe.

“He has been sleeping with another girl.”

7 words. All it took was 7 words to make me crumble into pieces of nothing. My fingers were shaking as I dialled your number and waited for your charming voice to greet me with a hello. I asked you, and you denied. You said it was all lies. I said I believed you. But I didn’t.

That night I laid in bed staring at nothing but complete darkness. I could hear my mind ticking over at all the possible ifs and buts and whys. I needed you more than ever, but I resented the idea of being with you. I had to speak to her. The other girl. The girl who has looked up into those blue eyes that I adore and has kissed the lips I always crave to kiss.

She told me everything. She told me how you met her through one of your friends. She told me how it was a bright, summer’s day and how you both swam in the beach and then made love afterwards. With every word she spoke, I felt my soul burning into pieces of ashes. Apart of me wanted to curl my fingers into her tacky brown hair extensions and tear them apart, just like her words were tearing my heart, but another part just wanted to run away from this nightmare.

I remembered I was shaking so much that I could feel my knees about to buckle as I headed to your door. You greeted me with your usual charming smile. As I stood there staring into your gleaming blue eyes, tears began to form. My heart caved in. I blurted out the conversation I had with this girl. And you still denied. You told me she was lying. You were so convincing. I wanted so much to believe you. I had to believe you.

You held me so tight that I could smell the soap on your skin. You kissed me and told me you loved me. I could see the fear and the love in those beautiful round eyes. I had to believe you.

I woke up with my face nuzzled into your chest. I felt the warmth of your breath flowing down my face. I could hear the slow, rhythmic thumps of your heart on your chest. For a moment, it felt so perfect once again.

That morning was the last time I saw you. After you kissed me and left for work, I made the bed, packed my things, and left.

To this day I still don’t know what to believe, and I still don’t know if I made the right decision. There is a part of me that hopes one day you will find me again, and that you will never let me go.

I still love you so much.