Thursday, September 16, 2010

my everything


I never knew at 5 years old you could meet your soul mate. Even though we didn't know it then, we were destined to spend the rest of our lives together. I remember the first time I ever seen you, the boy who lived just three houses down. The little brown haired blue eyed boy that immediately caught my attention the second you moved in. Ever since the first moment we met we've been inseparable. It started out as being play mates, and eventually grew into the most amazing thing I could have ever experienced. I immediately had a crush on you, something about those baby blues, even then made my heart melt. But of course at 5 years old you were still at the "girls had cooties" stage. But much to my surprise only a few short weeks later you changed your mind, and wrote me a note on a piece of red construction paper. "Will you go out with me? I like your cooties". Being five years old that was pretty much a marriage proposal in my book. And that was it..from then on we fell head over heels in love with one another. We cried together, laughed together, made fun of each other, tested each other, we grew up together. Through the years to come I completely stole your heart, and you stole mine. We were best friends, lovers, worst enemies, all rolled into one. There were times I would make you so mad you could scream, and you did the same with me. We tested each other every day, just to see what our limits were. But there was one thing we both always knew..and that was we were going to spend our whole lives together. There wasn't a doubt in our minds. You were "the one". I knew no matter what happened or where life took us, you would be the one I went to bed dreaming of, and woke up in the mornings wanting right next to me. Sure we had our fall outs, sometimes even our break ups. And yes we decided to date around, see what else was out there. But none of them ever worked out, and we both knew why. Because at the end of the day the only ones we wanted to be with was each other. Nobody could make me feel the way you did. It's a feeling I can't ever explain. You made me laugh, even if I didn't want to smile. You made me feel like I could conquer the world when I was in your arms. That was my safe place, being in your arms was the only place I felt safe in the world. I remember the day you proposed to me. The sumer of 09 right after one of petty little arguments. I can't even recall what it was about, I just remember you showing up to my house, knocking on my door and when I opened it you had this look on your face I've never seen before. I wasn't sure what to make of it at first. But then you started talking..telling me all about what you wanted out of life. How you joined the army, how you wanted to live out so many of your life dreams. At first I was so confused and could you do this? Join the ARMY? Without even talking with me about it first? When I thought army the only thing I thought about was war. And war meant death in my eyes. Tears started flooding my face until you pulled me close in your arms and told me to stop crying, that you weren't finished. So I continued listening..and that's when it happened. You said you realized that your biggest life dream was to marry me. To spend your whole life with me. And that joining the army wasn't a rash decision you had made, but rather a decision you made to help better our future together. And that was it, our future was set. You had joined the army, I was about to start college, and in just a couple short years we were going to be married and start our family. What a perfect plan, right? If only it worked out that way. I'll never forget the weekend of May 14th. I had decided to go away for a weekend with my friends, for some much needed girl time. You stayed behind and did your own thing with your friends too. I packed up my bags and headed on my way, never gave a second thought to that being the last time I may ever see you again. I went to sleep early that night. During the middle of my sound sleep I kept hearing my phone ringing, I just kept ignorning it. All of a sudden I sat straight up and knew in my gut something wasn't right. I picked up my phone, it was my sister. "Hello?" "Kaylie? Something happened. You need to get home right away." "What do you mean something happened? What happened?" "Please just listen to me. Just come home." "NO! I'm not going anywhere until someone tells me what is going on, now spill!" "Derrick was in a car accident. He didn't make it Kaylie. He's gone" I immediately dropped the phone, grabbed my stomach, and fell to the ground. Car accident? Gone? Derrick? How can this be? This can't be true. There is no way Derrick is gone. God wouldn't be that cruel. He wouldn't do this to me. He wouldn't take away my whole reason for living. There must be some mistake. I don't remember what happened after that, it's a feeling I can't even explain. I don't remember from that moment on until I arrived home a few hours later. I was in shock. I couldn't believe Derrick, my life, my love, my whole world, my comfort, my best friend, my everything was gone. What was I going to do? My whole world had literally been ripped apart from me and crumbled into a million tiny pieces in a matter of seconds. For days..I felt nothing. There was just this big gaping hole inside me that couldn't be filled. I was numb. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand, I couldn't talk, I couldn't think. Nothing I did helped. Eventually after a couple weeks..the shock wore off. And I was forced to deal with the fact that my life, my love, my best friend really wasn't coming home to me. I can't explain that feeling you have, it's the most undescribable horrible gut wrenching terrible pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I laid in my bed for days doing nothing but crying calling his phone time after time hoping and praying he would pick up the phone. A million things ran through my head. Why him? What did I do that was so horrible I deserved this? Why did God take away my Derrick? Why, why, why? He was so young, with so many goals set for himself. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, now what am I going to do without him? I don't think I will ever understand why this had to happen.. Nobody in this world can ever say they truly know how it feels unless they have been through it too. There are no words anyone can say, no actions anyone can do, and no matter how many I'm so sorry's and I'm here for you's, you get, the pain never stops. It never goes away. I've prayed to God a million times to just make this all disappear once and for all, he has yet to respond to that request. Sometimes I wonder if he ever will. Sometimes I wonder what Derrick would be doing if he were still here, where we would be, what our lives would be like right now. I talk to him every night, and I know that he hears me, but it isn't the same..

You have had my heart since day one. You knew how to make me laugh like noone else ever has. You were there for me through the highest and lowest points of my life. Always encouraging and supporting me through whatever decisions I made. You were my rock. The one person I ran to when I was having a bad day, or my heart was broken..and now your gone. And my heart is more broken than it's ever been before. Where do I go to now? Where do I turn? Nothing in this world makes sense to me anymore, the only thing that gives me peace is knowing that I will be with you again one day. And I can't wait for that day to come. Always and forever baby, always and forever. I pinky pinky promise.

Love always,